Don't make out with my wife yet
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
