my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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