During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
