Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
