My liver just broke up with me...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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