Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.