The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head