How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis