I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
