I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
