I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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