That's when you crack a 10am beer
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
