I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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