i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
