Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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