woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
