People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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