You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
