I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
