I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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