i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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