One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
