Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize