We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
