ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
