Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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