she woke up with a sticky ear
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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