and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
