He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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