Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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