Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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