Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Houston, we have a blender
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's shark week go big or go home
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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