I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
