I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
