If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
