he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
