I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
