You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
