k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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