I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
