Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
