drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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