he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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