I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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