At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
