Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
