I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
