Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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