I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
