yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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