please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
