at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
