why didn't you poke me back
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
