Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize