My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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